“Tomorrow Shall Be My Dancing Day”

BYU Studies Quarterly Volume 36 | Issue 4 Article 5 10-1-1996 “Tomorrow Shall Be My Dancing Day” Cynthia L. Hallen Follow this and additional works at: https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/byusq Recommended Citation Hallen, Cynthia L. (1996) "“Tomorrow Shall Be My Dancing Day”," BYU Studies Quarterly: Vol. 36 : Iss. 4 , Article 5. Available at: https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/byusq/vol36/iss4/5 This Article is brought to you for free and open access by the All Journals at BYU ScholarsArchive. It has been accepted for inclusion in BYU Studies Quarterly by an authorized editor of BYU ScholarsArchive. For more information, please contact , . Hallen: “Tomorrow Shall Be My Dancing Day” personal essay tomorrow shall be my dancing day cynthia L hallen its the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance from the rose by amanda mcbroom our ballet teacher says that every time we come to dance practice we learn something new about our bodies and our spirits I1 have learned that my body has strengths and weaknesses my natural turnout is not ideal I1 can improve but 1I probably never will piles and north south splits 1I have to point my knees in east west plies be careful not to torque the bending activities because my right ankle and knee are still weak from old accidents my mother says that my right foot was bent up against the front of my ankle at birth so every day for several weeks she had to massage it back into shape my left side is more limber than my right lowerback lower back lateral flexibility is one of my strengths so I1 am good at extending my leg on the bar 1I have a good sense of balance so 1I can also extend one leg back in arabesque position when we work in center without cat step is my favorite pattern the bar the pas de chat catstep when we focus on one thing at a time 1I can obey the teachers commands when the instructions are more complicated I1 often become confused to simultaneously move my legs arms and head into different but complementary positions does not come easily my brain seems to reverse concepts of right and left up and down back and front 1I sometimes feel like a turkey but 1I learn from watching and following the swans byustudies BYU YU stu n 0 4 199 B Studies 19966 dies 3 6 no 199697 699977 Published by BYU ScholarsArchive, 1996 107 1 BYU Studies Quarterly, Vol. 36, Iss. 4 [1996], Art. 5 byustudies BYU Studies 108 the teacher explains that some people have an extra bone in the foot that inhibits full arching of the foot and pointing of the toe 1I must have the extra bone because 1I sickle the foot in my efforts to gain extension every once in a while I1 feel the energy spiraling down my leg and out through my toe in a perfect line of beveled light on a good day 1I have won a word of praise children who study dance are able to develop the rotator muscles that good ballet position demands starting ballet as an all ail ali adult is harder because the outer thigh quad muscles want to do an the work in bending and lifting the legs learning to use the rotators means struggling to become again as a little child dancing means a restoration of my childhood the joy of walking on my first birthday the delight of discovering that buggy wheels move the thrill of skating on ice 1I have a native sense of musicality my body can dance or fre estyle patterns when 1I am not skate gracefully in spontaneous freestyle feeling self conscious music also affects my soul when I1 hear fine music 1I want to be good 1I want to be kind 1I want to be pure my soul wants the discipline of dance not just the freedom but my inborn response to music does not automatically include a talent for counting and keeping time music and dance demand a mathematical precision that sometimes paralyzes me I1 can sense the logic and see the purpose of the patterns but I1 am confounded in permance the temptation to quit dancing is strong but my love for formance for music helps me go on some students have the gift to perform a complex dance figure just by viewing the teachers demonstration one time 1I usually have to learn the dance over and over again in separate steps as if 1I am re patterning a part of my brain that has become lame perhaps my body is tired of being contracted by past fears is weary from contortions that 1I have assumed to protect myself from emotional pain to overcome these mental and physical restrictions takes an incredible amount of work and energy making mistakes in daily practice is a threat what if my mistakes are etching the wrong messages into my muscles 1I feel frustrated when 1I cannot get the exercises right on the first try yet the ballet syllabus forbids us from saying that we cannot do the figures we must try in spite of error on a good day my body responds to https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/byusq/vol36/iss4/5 2 Hallen: “Tomorrow Shall Be My Dancing Day” tomorrow shall be my dancing day 109 my work my wishes and my will after days of effort something registers in my mind and my body complies in spite of the difficulties 1I love ballet my mortal body tends vigilance when I1 am tired my true to hunch and fidget with hyper hypervigilance soul has good posture graceful gestures timely discipline and elegance when we stretch 1I feel liberated when we jump 1I feel exhilarated dance to my body is like food to the starving dance to my soul is like water to a garden the bitter snow far beneath the bitter snow lies the seed that with the suns love in the spring becomes the rose from the rose daddy was the only child of a harsh father and a doting mother embittered by unresolved family problems daddy ridiculed grandma gert and resented grandpa joe As soon as he graduated from high school he enlisted in the air force to get away he met and married my mother when he came home on leave after the korean war both of my parents loved the color blue for their first christmas eve they bought blue lights and blue ornaments for the christmas tree my father who tried to drown his in securities in alcohol became violent and knocked over the tree breaking the holiday into fragments of blue glass my mother saw the signs of danger but she was pregnant three other children followed and she stayed in the marriage for our sake daddy had his good days and his good points but patterns of verbal and physical violence continued under his hand we fell like trees breaking into splinters of wooden fear daddys daddes disabilities and drinking problems made it hard for him to stay employed so my mother had to support the family when grandma gert became gravely ill daddy had to borrow money from his aunt elizabeth to fly home to wisconsin instead of going straight to the hospital to see his mother daddy procrastinated and went to a local bar to drink a few beers with some old Published by BYU ScholarsArchive, 1996 3 BYU Studies Quarterly, Vol. 36, Iss. 4 [1996], Art. 5 110 byustudies BYU Studies buddies that night grandma gert died without seeing her son good bye (...truncated)