Religion & Relationships

April 2011 Article 19 April 2011 Religion & Relationships Taysha Murtaugh Iowa State University Amy Schwager Iowa State University David Derong Iowa State University Follow this and additional works at: http://lib.dr.iastate.edu/ethos Part of the Higher Education Commons, and the Journalism Studies Commons Recommended Citation Murtaugh, Taysha; Schwager, Amy; and Derong, David (2011) "Religion & Relationships," Ethos: Vol. 2011 , Article 19. Available at: http://lib.dr.iastate.edu/ethos/vol2011/iss3/19 This Article is brought to you for free and open access by the Student Publications at Iowa State University Digital Repository. It has been accepted for inclusion in Ethos by an authorized editor of Iowa State University Digital Repository. For more information, please contact . Religion Relationships By TAYSHA M UR TA UG H Design A M Y SC HWA G E R Photography DAVID DER O N G When David and Leah decided to get married, they had never even been on a first date. They’d never kissed, or even held hands. They weren’t in love, and they had known each other for less than a month. David and Leah, both sophomores in biology, met at a Muslim Student Association meeting last semester; she was the president, he the vice president. A month and a half later, when most couples might have just gotten around to Campaniling, they tied the knot. Now, the five-month newlyweds sit in the living room of their apartment and explain how in the Islamic religion, “dating” is nonexistent. “The initial love you have for somebody changes over time and it becomes less and a different kind of love comes up,” David says. “… For us, we see if we’re compatible. We decide to get married before we fall in love. We don’t fall in love before marriage.” When asked for the date of their wedding, Daivd laughs and looks sheepishly at his wife. She smiles and reminds him, “We had our Islamic Nikah on October 17, and then a week later we did the legal process, but we didn’t decide to move in The together until Nikah December 24.” is the Islamic religious ceremony, and before moving in together, David and Leah had a Rukhsati, which Pakistani cultural process. is a separate “Islamically speaking, you shouldn’t wait to fall in love with someone,” explains David. “When you feel like you’re ready to After just six we e ks o f courtin g , D a vi d a nd Le ah g ot m a rrie d 40| be married, you should ask around and find the right wife … We got married for the sake of our religion, basically.” Instead of dating, Muslims practice courtships, where two people meet in a supervised environment and determine if they match or not. Typically the couple decides the same day if they’ll marry or not. “In our religion, it’s a really big sin [to have dated other people before marriage],” David says seriously. Nodding in agreement, Leah explains, “[In] courting, our intention from the very beginning is marriage, and it’s more serious … Dating is not like that. You’re not really sure if it’s going to lead to marriage or not. Because in dating you’re more emotionally attached to people, it can lead to more heartbreak as well. In the Islamic culture, in courting, after you get to know the person, you marry them and then you get closer.” David is Iranian and American; Leah is Pakistani. In both Iran and the supervision of a family member. “We have a saying in Islam that whenever a girl and boy are alone in a room, Satan is their third,” David says. David and Lean honored this rule, for the most part. Once, they met for coffee at the very crowded Caribou. “In Iran it probably wouldn’t be okay,” David says, “but here, it’s America.” “It was a public place,” Leah quickly adds, a little embarrassed, “and we didn’t do anything bad, either.” This rule, which is part of the Islamic Pakistan, most marriages are arranged culture, is to prevent the temptation of physical contact. by the couple’s family. With charisma typical of the twenty- “Before marriage, you cannot physically year-old, David describes arranged touch each other,” Leah says. “No holding marriages as a “human version of Match. hands, nothing. After Nikah,” com,” meaning family members partner “…you can do whatever,” finishes David. couples whose values and personalities Muslims are not even supposed to shake match. David and Leah stress that after hands with a member of the opposite sex, meeting a prospective match, the other than each other and close family, of course. They’re also not supposed to be candidates still have the final say. “There are arranged marriages and friends with members of the opposite sex there are also forced marriages,” Leah or be around a member of the opposite “and I think the [negative] says, perception of arranged marriages comes from the two getting mixed up.” The Iranian and Pakistani cultures are similar, which is one of the things David and Leah found they had in common when they first met. The most important similarity between David and Leah, sex who is not their spouse. Between school and work, however, sometimes this becomes unavoidable. “She gets jealous a lot, actually,” David teases his wife. “Well, with my looks…” “I don’t get jealous,” Leah says, rolling her eyes a little. “He might like to think so.” however, is their shared belief in Islam. It was this belief that brought them together in the first place. “Islamically speaking,” David explains, “you’re supposed to get married as soon as possible. As soon as you think you are mature enough to be with another person, you should get married, because marriage is considered half of our religion.” Following closely behind religion on their priority list is family, so “meeting the parents” is an even bigger deal to Muslims. “That’s very important in both of our cultures,” David says of Pakistan and Iran. “If the families don’t agree, you’re not going to get married … Our cultures and our life revolves around family, so if your family isn’t there, you have nothing, so your families have to get along.” Luckily for David and Leah, their “Leah, why are you wearing your hijab?” asks David suddenly, as if just noticing the blue and green scarf covering his wife’s hair. “I feel like it,” laughs Leah shyly. “I didn’t do my hair.” David explains that in Islam, the head families hit it off. David admits that although he was ready for marriage when he met Leah, scarf is only to be worn around men other than the woman’s husband, father or close relative. It is not a requirement for all Muslim women to wear a hijab; Leah started wearing one in ninth grade, he didn’t feel like he was quite mature enough yet. “That’s why it took so long for me,” he says of their unusually “long” oneand-a-half month courtship. During their courtship, Daivd and Leah were not allowed to meet without confidently. “ … At first I was very against it and thought it was oppressing women, but then as I looked more into it I realized after she started going to the mosque, or Muslim church, in Ames. (...truncated)